What No One Tells You About Vaginismus

✨ How the Fear Response Cycle Keeps You Trapped (And How to Break Free) ✨

By Dr. Julia Reeve

Gynaecologist, Psychotherapist, Sexologist & Author of The Vaginismus Book

🔹 If you have vaginismus, you already know how painful, frustrating, and isolating it can feel. But what if we told you that trying to push through — using dilators the wrong way or forcing intimacy — could be making things worse? This guide uncovers the hidden truth behind the fear response cycle and why most women unknowingly strengthen vaginismus instead of healing it.

🔹 Vaginismus isn't just a physical issue — it's a powerful fear-based reflex created by your brain. It's your amygdala, the brain's fear center, stepping in to 'protect' you. It doesn't ask permission. It just acts. For many, this protection began long ago due to pain, trauma, fear, or pressure. And it stuck.

🔹 The amygdala’s job is to detect danger and respond instantly — faster than your thinking brain can react. This is helpful if you're facing a real threat. But in vaginismus, the amygdala has wrongly labeled intimacy or penetration as a danger. Every time you feel fear, dread, or pain during attempts, your amygdala is saying, “Yes! I'm doing my job perfectly.”

⚡ Coined by neuroscientist Daniel Goleman, an 'amygdala hijack' happens when the fear center overrides your rational brain. You can't think, plan, or stay calm. Your body goes into survival mode: tension, clenching, even panic. For vaginismus sufferers, this hijack happens during dilating, intimacy, or even thinking about these things.

❗ Here’s the painful truth: Every time you attempt dilating or sex and stop because it hurts, the amygdala gets rewarded. It sees your reaction as proof that it must keep protecting you. So it doubles down. The fear reaction becomes faster, more intense, more automatic. Over time, vaginismus doesn't just stay the same — it gets worse.

🔹 You try to dilate or have sex. Your amygdala senses danger. Muscles clench. Pain hits. Panic rises. You stop. The amygdala is reinforced. Next time, the fear response kicks in even faster. Repeat this cycle enough times, and even the thought of trying can feel overwhelming.

❌ Wrong: Forcing. Rushing. Gritting your teeth through pain. ✅ Right: Approaching with calm, curiosity, and regulation. No goal, no pressure. The key is staying under the fear threshold so your amygdala doesn’t activate.

If your body stays relaxed, the amygdala doesn’t react — and you rewire the fear response over time.

🔹 You are not weak. You're not broken. You're stuck in a protective loop. 'Trying harder' often means pushing past fear — but that just confirms to your brain that fear was valid. Real progress means creating safety, not pushing through pain.

🔹 Healing vaginismus isn’t about stretching muscles — it’s about teaching the brain that you're safe. You do this with gentle, consistent exposure under the fear threshold. Calm breathing, soothing environments, guided exercises, and self-compassion are essential. Your goal: Make your amygdala bored. When it no longer sees intimacy as a threat, it stops reacting.

🔹 Healing isn’t linear. But signs of progress include:

• Less anticipatory fear

• More curiosity than dread

• Dilating without triggering panic

• Feeling more control over your body’s reactions

• Reduced clenching and pain over time

Every small moment of calm rewires your brain.

🔹 Millions of women experience vaginismus, and most suffer in silence. But you don’t have to. With the right knowledge and support, your body and brain can relearn safety. You can take back your power — step by gentle step.

🔹 Here’s a calming practice you can begin today, even before using dilators: 🌟 The Safe Touch & Breath Exercise 🌟

1. Choose a private, cozy space where you feel safe.

2. Lie down or sit comfortably. Let your body be supported.

3. Place one hand gently on your lower belly or pelvic area — no pressure, just contact.

4. Breathe slowly and deeply into your belly. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6.

5. As you breathe, repeat softly in your mind: “I am safe. I’m not forcing anything.”

6. Stay here for 5–10 minutes. If your body tenses, that’s okay. Just breathe.

7. When you feel more calm and neutral, you can gently touch the outside of your vulva, without pressure or goals.

8. This is not about progress. This is about creating safety.

When you repeat this regularly — especially before attempting dilators or intimacy — you teach your brain that there is no emergency. Your amygdala doesn’t activate, and healing can begin.

🔹 Ready to stop guessing and start healing the right way? 🔹 Download my free starter resources 🔹 Join The Vaginismus Zone for expert guidance, support, and a safe, shame-free community 🔹 Or book a call with me and let’s talk about your healing journey

🔹 You don’t need to fight your body. You just need to teach it safety again. ✨ You’ve got this.

Dr. Julia Reeve 🔹