When women first discover the word vaginismus, a flood of questions often follows. Some feel instant relief: “Finally, there’s a name for what I’ve been experiencing.” Others feel fear: “Do I really have this condition? What does it mean for my life?”
But one question quietly underlies everything: Do I need to overcome vaginismus — or can I simply live with it?
As a gynaecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist with over 30 years of experience, I want to explore this question openly, without judgement.
When Vaginismus Doesn’t Need to Be Overcome
Not every woman who has vaginismus feels limited by it. Some women live full, joyful, and satisfying lives without ever addressing it.
I once spoke with a 55-year-old teacher who had lived with vaginismus her entire life. She was unmarried, never attempted penetrative sex, and told me: “It has never been a problem for me. I feel fulfilled.”
She wanted me to know that vaginismus is not automatically a “diagnosis.” If it causes no distress, then it doesn’t need to be treated. She was right.
If vaginismus doesn’t interfere with your happiness, intimacy, or personal goals, there’s no obligation to “fix” it. For some, it remains a private part of their story that simply doesn’t matter.
When Vaginismus Becomes a Problem
On the other hand, vaginismus can be deeply distressing when it stands in the way of something important.
For some women, that may be intimacy with a partner. For others, it’s the longing for pregnancy. For many, it’s simply the wish to undergo a gynaecological exam without fear and pain.
In these situations, vaginismus becomes more than a label — it feels like a barrier. And if a barrier blocks something you truly want, it is valid and empowering to seek help.
Overcoming vaginismus is not about “repairing what is broken.” It is about aligning your life with your values, your desires, and your freedom.
Both Choices Are Valid
This is where compassion matters.
Choosing to live with vaginismus is valid. Choosing to overcome vaginismus is valid.
No one should be forced to take either path. Your choice is shaped by your goals, relationships, and sense of wellbeing. Both deserve respect.
Why the Choice Can Feel So Hard
Fear complicates things. Vaginismus is a fear-based response — a subconscious tightening reflex, similar to how the body freezes during other phobias.
When fear is present, our brains push us toward one of three instinctive responses:
- Flight: avoiding the subject altogether.
- Freeze: staying stuck, uncertain which way to go.
- Fight: lashing out, sometimes even against people who are trying to help.
This is why conversations about vaginismus can become heated, especially in online forums. Sometimes anger hides regret, grief, or longing. Sometimes women who say “It doesn’t matter” actually wish it were different — but it feels too painful to admit.
And sometimes, like the woman I spoke to all those years ago, it truly doesn’t matter. Both are real. Both are valid.
How to Decide What’s Right for You
If you are unsure whether to live with vaginismus or to take steps to overcome it, ask yourself:
- Does vaginismus stop me from something I long for? (Intimacy, pregnancy, medical care, confidence.)
- Would I feel freer if it wasn’t there? Sometimes the relief of choice alone is worth it.
- Does leaving it as it is feel genuinely fine — or is it avoidance? There’s a difference between peaceful acceptance and silent regret.
Your answers will help you see whether vaginismus is simply a fact of your life — or a barrier you want to dismantle.
Final Thoughts
Wherever you stand, please remember:
- If you choose to live with vaginismus, that is your right. There is nothing broken about you.
- If you choose to overcome vaginismus, that is also your right. You are entitled to the tools, the guidance, and the hope that recovery brings.
Either way, you are not alone. The most important step is choosing the path that aligns with your happiness, not anyone else’s expectations.
Gentle next steps
When you’re ready, two quiet ways to begin
Understanding is the first step. The rest comes from gentle, steady practice — at your own pace, in private, with a companion by your side.
The Vaginismus Book
A gentle, science-based guide to understanding what’s happening and why. “Knowledge removes fear.” In English and German.
The TVZ App
Your private, step-by-step dilator companion. Follow a gentle 9-stage path, log each practice, and build confidence at your own pace. Everything stays on your phone.
Finding the word is the beginning, not the verdict — and you’ve already begun.
Warmly,
Dr Julia Reeve
Gynaecologist · Psychotherapist · Sexologist · Author of The Vaginismus Book
Dr Julia Reeve
Gynaecologist, psychotherapist and sexologist based in Amsterdam, with over thirty years working with women experiencing vaginismus. Author of The Vaginismus Book and creator of the TVZ dilator companion app.
This article is for general information and education. It is not a substitute for individual medical advice. If you have persistent pain or distress, please see a qualified healthcare professional.