When Touch Feels Impossible: A Vaginismus Journey With Sensory Sensitivities

It’s one of the most emotionally raw, physically frustrating, and often invisible experiences a woman can face: you want to be close, but your body won’t let you. Not out of choice — but because the second anything comes near your vulva or vaginal entrance, your muscles clamp down. Your heart races. Your face flushes. Your breath shortens. And any attempt at letting go feels like you're asking the impossible from your nervous system.

This isn’t uncommon in women with vaginismus — especially those with underlying sensory sensitivities or trauma-informed body reactions. If this is your story, please know: you are not alone, and your body is not broken.

I’m Dr. Julia Reeve, a gynaecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist who has spent over 30 years helping women untangle this fear-based cycle and move towards connection, healing, and — most importantly — safety in their own bodies.

Let’s walk through this together.

“I tense up the moment anything comes close to my vagina.”

This is the reality for so many women. You may have:

• Tried dilators and hated them.

• Seen pelvic floor therapists who called your case “extreme.”

• Felt humiliated when a simple touch triggered tears or panic.

• Wondered if you’ll ever be able to have pain-free intimacy or get pregnant naturally.

Even with a supportive partner and financial stability, the journey can feel never-ending.

Here’s what I want you to know: It’s not about pain tolerance, willpower, or how much you love your partner.

This is about a reflex, deeply wired into your subconscious. Your pelvic floor muscles are not misbehaving — they are trying to protect you. But like a smoke alarm that goes off when there’s no fire, your brain is stuck in overprotection mode.

This is vaginismus — and it is a fear-based, nervous system loop that can absolutely be rewired.

What if sensory issues are connected?

Many women I work with report long-standing discomfort with tight clothing, bras, or even textures like lace or denim. Some avoid tampon use not because of pain, but because any intrusion — even imagined — feels overstimulating or foreign.

These sensitivities aren’t separate from vaginismus. In fact, they’re part of the neurobiology that governs how your body receives and reacts to sensation.

If your brain has learned to associate pelvic touch with threat (even subtle or non-painful threat), then your body’s response will be automatic: clench, freeze, withdraw.

This doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you. It simply means your nervous system has been trained to be alert in the very area that needs to feel safe for intimacy to unfold.

The good news? It can be retrained.

The shame of “not being able to do what my body was made to do”

This sentence breaks my heart every time I hear it. And yet it echoes across so many stories from women in my practice.

Let’s reframe it.

Your body is doing what it was made to do — protect you.

When you start to see your tension, your avoidance, your panic not as failure, but as a brilliant, compassionate defense system that simply hasn’t been updated in years — healing becomes possible.

Shame melts when we replace judgment with understanding.

Why touch can help — but only on your terms

Many women are told to “just keep trying dilators” or “have your partner help.” But if even a pinky finger near the vaginal entrance sends your body into overdrive, it’s not about pressure — it’s about permission and pacing.

Before penetration.
Before dilators.
Even before inserting a finger.

We start with neutral, curiosity-based touch — and we begin far away from the goal.

First Steps: Gentle Exercises to Introduce Vulva Touch Without Fear

You do not need to dive into penetration or even inner labia contact to start healing. These beginner steps are designed to bring awareness, familiarity, and a sense of safety to an area your brain currently perceives as dangerous.

Step 1: External Touch Through Clothing or a Blanket
Start by gently resting your hand over your pelvic region — fully clothed. Not moving, not rubbing — just resting. Breathe. Notice any sensations. Try saying to yourself, “I am safe here.”

Step 2: Skin-to-Skin Contact — With No Agenda
Using warm, clean hands, touch the inside of your thighs, not the vulva. Tap gently or press softly for just a few seconds. Breathe. Smile. This isn’t about “doing it right.” It’s about being there.

Step 3: Use an Object as a Buffer
If direct hand contact is overwhelming, try using a soft washcloth or even a small towel. Place it between your fingers and your body. You are in charge.

Step 4: Mirror Time — Reclaiming Visual Awareness
Use a mirror to simply observe your vulva. No touching. No judgment. Say out loud: “This is a part of me I’m learning to love.”

Step 5: Rest the Dilator — Without Inserting
Choose your smallest dilator. Rest it against your labia. Just rest it. No pushing, no entry. Let your nervous system register: this is not a threat.

Repeat these steps as often as needed. The goal isn’t progression — it’s rewiring safety.

What about IUDs, tilted uterus, and internal exams?

Yes — medical factors like a tilted uterus or a painful IUD can exacerbate your symptoms, especially if exams trigger panic or discomfort. But even then, the way your body reacts is governed by more than anatomy.

Many women with tilted uteruses have no vaginismus. Many with “perfect” pelvic health do. And by the way, a tilted uterus - to one side or to the back is very common and seen as absolutely normal!

So the key is to treat the nervous system, not just the body part.

Considerations for Tools Like CBD Lubes or Intimacy Melts

CBD or lidocaine-based products can sometimes help by reducing the pain sensitivity threshold — especially if your nervous system has associated touch with danger.

But remember: these are tools, not solutions. They won’t do the internal emotional safety work your body still needs.

If you try them, combine them with the touch exercises above, and don’t use them as a way to “force” penetration before your body is truly ready.

When You’re Ready to Try Again — With Support

If this post resonated with your story, know this:

✔️ You are not alone
✔️ You are not broken
✔️ You do not have to force yourself to meet someone else's timeline

In The Vaginismus Zone, my private online program, I teach women like you how to desensitize their vaginismus response gently, privately, and without pressure.

Or you can go through my Breaking Barriers Program which is a more individual coaching program with 12 individual coaching calls and more if you need them.

Whether your goals are to enjoy intimacy, start a family, or simply feel at peace in your body — this is possible.

And it starts, not with pushing through fear — but with retraining your brain that your body is safe again.