What is vaginismus?

First of all — take a deep breath.

If you’ve (just) tried to have sex for the first time and it was painful — even excruciating — and now you’re wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” … I want you to hear this clearly:

. You are not abnormal. And you are certainly not useless.

What you’re describing is far more common than most people realise — and far more something you can gently work through than you’ve probably been told.

Let’s gently unpack this together.

What Is Vaginismus — And Is That Really What You Have?

Vaginismus is a condition where the pelvic floor muscles contract involuntarily when penetration is attempted. This can make sex, tampon use, or medical exams painful or impossible.

But here’s something very important:

One or two painful experiences do NOT automatically mean you have vaginismus.

A true diagnosis usually requires:

• Persistent difficulty with penetration
• Significant pain or fear
• Ongoing muscle tightening over time
• Distress about the situation
• Symptoms lasting at least several months

There must be a six-month pattern of avoidance or chronic inability.

So we go slow. We do not label too fast.

First-Time Sex Is Not Always “Easy” — Despite What Social Media Says

There’s a myth that sex is:

• Automatically pleasurable
• Instinctive
• Effortless
• Painless

Reality? Not always.

Especially when:

• You’ve never inserted a tampon
• You’ve avoided touching your vagina
• You were raised with messages about virginity being “broken”
• Cervical smears feel terrifying
• Penetration feels forbidden

Your body may not consciously fear sex.

But your nervous system may.

And the pelvic floor responds to nervous system signals.

Cultural Conditioning and the Body

Some women are told to  “save yourself for marriage.”

That belief alone does not cause vaginismus.

But if, over many years, your mind absorbed:

• “Insertion equals loss.”
• “Something going inside means something bad.”
• “My body must stay closed.”

Then your body may simply be doing what it was trained to do:

Protect. Guard. Close.

Not because sex is wrong. Not because you are damaged. But because your nervous system learned caution. And you were told to be careful - you cannot believe how many women I have treated with exactly this reason in teh past for their vaginismus. The psychological pressure of  remaining a virgin until the wedding night.

What About FGM and Clitoridectomy?

Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), even when described as “not extreme,” can absolutely leave subconscious body memories.

Even if you were a toddler and don’t consciously remember it, even if you were told it wasn`t the "big one".

• The body remembers.
• The nervous system records pain.
• Early procedures can shape unconscious muscle guarding.

This does not mean that FGM is definitely the cause. There might also be other factors but kids feel "pain down there", they feel the "excitement of the moment" - there will definitely be a memory scar there.

It means you and anyone else must approach your situation gently and respectfully — not dismissively.

You’ve Never Used a Tampon — And That Matters

This is clinically relevant.

Women who:

• Have never used tampons
• Avoid internal exams
• Fear inserting fingers

Often have:

• Limited familiarity with their vaginal muscles
• Heightened anticipatory tension
• Reduced desensitisation

This doesn’t equal vaginismus automatically.

It does suggest: Your body hasn’t had gradual, positive exposure to penetration.

And first-time penetration with a partner can feel overwhelming if there was no gradual preparation.

About Dilators — Let’s Clear This Up

Dilators are not traumatic by default.

They become traumatic when:

• Used too early
• Used without guidance
• Used aggressively
• Used without emotional support
• Framed as a “fix yourself” tool

In trauma-informed therapy, dilators are:

• Introduced slowly
• Used only when you feel safe
• Combined with nervous system regulation
• Never forced

Progress is not “lost” unless someone pushes too hard too fast.

And you never have to be in a situation where you have to rush into dilators.

So What Should You Do Now?

Because this is early — and because there might be complex factors — I would suggest:

1. Get a Proper Diagnosis

Self-diagnosis is understandable — but not sufficient.

See:

• A trauma-informed gynaecologist
• A pelvic floor physiotherapist
• A sexual pain specialist

You deserve assessment — not guesswork. If youn can`t get it or find someone with experience you might want to go through my guide The Vaginismus Self Assessment Guide

2. Stop Trying Full Penetration for Now

Remove the performance pressure.

Explore:

• External touch
• Pleasure without penetration
• Sensate focus with your partner
• Relaxation without expectation

easing is easier without urgency.

3. Begin With Education, Not Insertion

Start by:

• Learning pelvic anatomy
• Understanding where muscles are
• Practicing awareness (not penetration)

Sometimes even just holding a mirror and looking at your vulva can be step one.

4. Work on Nervous System Safety

If there was FGM in childhood, even without conscious trauma, your body may benefit from:

• Somatic therapy
• Trauma-informed counselling
• Gentle body-based approaches

We treat the nervous system, not just the muscles.

You Are Not Behind. You Are Just Beginning.

Jealousy when you hear other women describe “easy first times” is natural.

But comparison is misleading.

Many women:

• Felt pain but don’t say it
• Pretend it was fine
• Had preparation you didn’t
• Had different conditioning

Your journey is your own.

And it can absolutely lead to pleasurable, comfortable sex.

When Is It Definitely Vaginismus?

It becomes more likely if:

• You cannot insert a finger at all
• Tampons are impossible
• Penetration remains painful over months
• Muscles clamp shut involuntarily
• Fear increases despite relaxation attempts

But right now?

You are at the assessment stage.

Not the hopeless stage.

My Gentle Advice to You

Go slow.

Do not label yourself prematurely.

Do not force penetration.

Do not compare yourself.

And please — do not believe you are broken.

Your body is protecting you.

We simply need to teach it that it is safe.

And that is absolutely possible.

If you’d like structured guidance, my work and resources at www.drjuliareeve.com  are designed exactly for women like you — intelligent, thoughtful, brave women who just need the right roadmap.

You are not alone in this.

And this is not the end of your sexual story — it’s the beginning of understanding it.

Take it one gentle step at a time — you don’t have to have it all worked out today.
Warmly,
Dr Julia Reeve

Gynaecologist · Psychotherapist · Sexologist · Author of The Vaginismus Book

Dr Julia Reeve

Gynaecologist, psychotherapist and sexologist based in Amsterdam, with over thirty years working with women experiencing vaginismus. Author of The Vaginismus Book and creator of the TVZ dilator companion app.

This article is for general information and education. It is not a substitute for individual medical advice. If you have persistent pain or distress, please see a qualified healthcare professional.