Is Vaginismus Always a Problem?

When people hear the word vaginismus, they often assume it is always something terrible, something that must urgently be “cured.” But that isn’t true for every woman. Over my 30+ years as a gynaecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist, I’ve met many women with vaginismus — and each one has had her own story, her own choices, and her own relationship to it.

A Story That Stays With Me

Many years ago, shortly after I first began writing about vaginismus online, a woman phoned my surgery. She was 55, a teacher, never married. She told me she had lived with vaginismus her whole life. And yet — she said it had never affected her. She felt fulfilled, complete, and content.

She wanted me to know that vaginismus is not automatically a diagnosis that needs treatment if it doesn’t cause distress. She was absolutely right.

I invited her to share her story publicly so others could read it, but she never did. Still, her words stayed with me. For her, vaginismus was not a problem.

When Vaginismus Is Not a Problem

💡 If vaginismus does not interfere with your happiness, intimacy, or goals, then it does not need to be “fixed.”
You may choose to live with it peacefully, just as some people live with phobias or quirks that don’t limit their daily lives.

For example, I often compare it to my own fear of flying. I have flown before, and I even took part in flight phobia training. Yet, I still choose not to fly — because it doesn’t limit my life. I can live happily without airplanes.

But if one of my children moved far away, only reachable by plane, my motivation would shift. I would work to overcome that fear, because suddenly it would matter deeply to me.

When Vaginismus Becomes a Problem

🌱 If vaginismus holds you back from something you long for — intimacy with a partner, pregnancy, pain-free gynaecological exams, or even a sense of bodily confidence — then it is absolutely valid to seek help.

Overcoming vaginismus is not about fixing something “broken.” It is about aligning your life with your values and goals. If penetration, intimacy, or pain-free exams matter to you, then vaginismus can feel like a barrier — and that is when treatment and support become meaningful.

Both Choices Deserve Respect

✨ Both choices are valid. Both deserve respect.
No woman should feel pressured either to “just live with it” or to “fix it at all costs.”

Sadly, in online forums I’ve often seen women express anger toward professionals like me for even offering support. They argue: “There is no disease to treat. Why are you medicalising this?”

And I want those women to know: I hear you. If vaginismus doesn’t trouble you, then my work is not for you. Nothing is missing in your life. You don’t need me.

But my work is for those who do feel limited, who do want change, who do long for another outcome.

Why the Anger?

From my psychotherapist’s heart, I sometimes wonder why aggression arises in these discussions. Often, anger hides something deeper: regret, resentment, grief for missed opportunities, or pain left unspoken. It can feel easier to attack than to admit what hurts.

That’s why compassion matters. Wherever you are on this journey, your choice deserves recognition and gentleness.

The Bottom Line

💬 If you choose to live with vaginismus, that is valid. You are simply living your life. The word “vaginismus” has no power if it doesn’t trouble you.

💬 If you choose to overcome it, that is equally valid. You are entitled to seek solutions, and there are many compassionate professionals and step-by-step approaches available. You are not alone.

And remember: fear often triggers the instinct to run, freeze, or attack. But sometimes, what we fear most can turn out to be manageable — even rewarding — once we gently face it.