How to Support Your Partner with Vaginismus

💔 She Froze When I Touched Her – A Vaginismus Partner's Guide to Understanding & Supporting

By Dr. Julia Reeve
Gynaecologist | Psychotherapist | Sexologist
Author of The Vaginismus Book

“She says she loves me… so why does she push me away?”

If you're in a relationship with someone who has vaginismus, you've likely asked yourself this painful question. You're not alone — and you're not the problem.

Many partners of vaginismus sufferers feel confused, rejected, or even helpless. Intimacy might be something you both want, yet when the moment comes… her body seems to shut down. You may try to be gentle, loving, patient — and still, something doesn’t feel right.

Let me reassure you:

🌿 She is not rejecting you.
🌿 You are not doing anything wrong.
🌿 And this is not the end of your sex life or relationship.

💡 What Is Vaginismus — and Why Does Her Body Freeze?

Vaginismus is a reflex of the pelvic floor muscles that tighten in response to perceived threat — often just before or during any attempt at penetration. It can make sex painful, impossible, or even frightening.

The root of this reaction isn’t lack of love or desire.
It’s the nervous system saying: “I don’t feel safe.”

And this is what most partners don’t realize: The body reacts even when the mind wants intimacy.

This is called a fear response loop — a kind of subconscious amygdala hijack. Her body isn’t making a choice. It’s reacting automatically.

🔄 What Often Happens in Relationships

When vaginismus goes unspoken or misunderstood, partners start to blame themselves:

• “Am I not attractive enough?”

• “Does she not want me?”

• “Maybe she’s not in love with me anymore.”

• "Am I doing something wrong?"

And if both partners are virgins or sexually inexperienced, this confusion runs even deeper.
Without answers, it’s easy to spiral into guilt, shame, or distance.

But the truth is:

❤️ She probably loves you deeply.
😔 And she may be blaming herself, too.

🤝 What You Can Do as a Partner (Dr. Julia Reeve's Advice)

As a doctor, therapist, and vaginismus coach, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples.
The most powerful healing always begins with safety — especially emotional safety.

Here’s how you can be part of that healing journey:

1. Get Informed — Together

Learn what vaginismus is and what it isn’t.
It’s not about trauma alone. It’s not about willpower. It’s not just “in her head.”
It’s a real physical reflex based on fear.

➡️ Download my free self-diagnosis guide or read The Vaginismus Book together.
Understanding the condition reduces shame and starts real conversations.

2. Don’t Take It Personally

This is hard — but vital.
When she freezes or says “not tonight,” try to hear what’s beneath those words.

Not: “I don’t want you.”
But: “I’m afraid my body will betray me again.”

Shift from personal rejection to shared compassion.

3. Be the Safe Space, Not the Solution

You can’t fix vaginismus — but you can create the conditions where healing happens.

That means:

• Letting go of pressure for sex

• Focusing on closeness, not performance

• Asking: “What would feel safe for you right now?”

• Validating her emotions instead of trying to solve them

The moment she knows you’re not rushing, judging, or withdrawing — her body may begin to relax.

4. Explore Intimacy Beyond Penetration

True intimacy isn’t about achieving a goal — it’s about connection.

Touch, kissing, massages, emotional vulnerability, laughing in bed — all of this builds safety and trust.
When she sees that you still desire her even when sex isn’t “on the table”, it changes everything.

5. Don’t Let Silence Win

The shame around vaginismus thrives in silence.
If you’re struggling, talk about it — gently, openly, and without pressure.

Say things like:

• “I love you and I’m here for you.”

• “This doesn’t change how I see you.”

• “We’re a team. We’ll figure this out together.”

🧠 What If You’re Both Inexperienced or Virgins?

This is even more common than people think.
Many couples face vaginismus as their first sexual experience — and it can feel devastating.

But this can actually be an opportunity:
A chance to build your sexual connection slowly, intentionally, and safely from the ground up.
Learning together. Laughing together. Building trust, not trauma.

✨ Final Words from Dr. Julia Reeve

If you love someone with vaginismus, your support is already part of the healing.

The truth is:
Most women can overcome vaginismus — with time, the right support, and a safe relationship.

And you, as a partner, have more influence than you realize.

You don’t have to fix her.
Just believe her.
Hold space.
Stay curious.
And show her that love is still there — even in the freeze.

📚 Want to Help Her Heal — Without Pressure?

Visit www.drjuliareeve.com for:

✅ A free Vaginismus Self-Diagnosis Guide
✅ Online coaching programs
✅ Partner-specific resources
✅ And The Vaginismus Book — available now

Together, you can rewrite your story.