How to Get Past the First Insertion of a Dilator (or Finger) with Vaginismus

For many women living with vaginismus, the idea of inserting even the smallest dilator, or even a finger, can feel terrifying. You might have bought a set of dilators, unwrapped them, and then thought: I can’t do this. It feels impossible.

If that’s you — you are not alone. This moment is one of the hardest and most emotional parts of vaginismus treatment. As a gynecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist, I want to share why this fear happens, and how you can gently take that first step.

Why the First Step Feels So Hard

Vaginismus is not “all in your head” and it is not a conscious choice. It’s an automatic reflex — a fear response created by the brain. When you anticipate pain, your amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for threat detection) triggers tightness and resistance in the pelvic floor.

This is why even the thought of insertion can cause your body to tense, sometimes before you even try. Understanding this can help you: it’s not weakness or failure. It’s simply your nervous system doing its job — and we can retrain it.

Three Gentle Steps to Begin Dilator Therapy

1. Start smaller than you think

The first step is not about depth. It’s about safety. Choose the tiniest dilator in your set, or even just rest it against the entrance of the vagina. Some women begin with a finger or even a cotton swab, simply to signal to the brain: this is safe.

2. Use your breath to calm the reflex

Slow, deep breathing tells your body that you are not in danger. Inhale through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. Imagine melting tension with each breath. This helps to quiet the fear reflex and create space for relaxation.

3. Celebrate seconds, not centimeters

The first success is not about how far you get. It’s about staying calm with any level of contact — even just touching the entrance without panic. If you can sit with the dilator at the opening for 10 seconds while staying relaxed, that’s a huge win.

Helpful Tips for Comfort

• Lubrication is essential: Always use plenty of water-based lubricant to reduce friction.

• Position matters: Many women find lying on their back with knees bent and supported by pillows feels less intimidating than sitting upright.

• Create a safe environment: Soft lighting, music, or a warm bath beforehand can reduce tension.

• Take your time: Rushing only reinforces the fear reflex. Short, calm, frequent practice is more effective than long, stressful attempts.

What If It Still Feels Impossible?

Remember: you are not failing if it doesn’t work right away. It often takes multiple attempts before your body begins to trust the process. Sometimes, working with a trained professional or coach can give you the reassurance and guidance you need.

The important thing is this: by even holding a dilator in your hand, by trying, you are already breaking the cycle of avoidance. That alone is progress.

Why This Step Matters

The first insertion is not about “achieving penetration.” It’s about showing your brain and body that intimacy can be safe. Every second you spend calmly at the entrance, every attempt you make without panic, rewires the fear reflex.

Over time, these small steps lead to greater comfort, confidence, and eventually — choice. The choice to have pain-free intimacy, if and when you want it.

Gentle Next Step

If you’d like more guidance, I share step-by-step support in The Vaginismus Zone, along with resources and coaching programs to help you move forward at your own pace. You can explore these at The Vaginismus Zone .

Remember: you are not alone, and you are not broken. You are taking courageous steps towards freedom and confidence.