Where to Start if You’ve Just Discovered You Have Vaginismus

Discovering that the pain, fear, or difficulty you’ve been experiencing during intimacy, tampon use, or medical exams actually has a name — vaginismus — can bring a huge sense of relief. Suddenly, you realize you’re not alone, you’re not “broken,” and there are concrete steps you can take to move forward.

But this moment can also feel overwhelming: Where do I even begin?

As someone who has worked with hundreds of women and couples over the past 30+ years, I know that the first steps are often the hardest. That’s why I want to share a simple, step-by-step starting point to help you move from confusion and fear into clarity, confidence, and hope.

Step 1: Confirm What You’re Dealing With

The very first step is to understand whether what you are experiencing is truly vaginismus. Pain during intimacy or difficulty with penetration can have several causes, so it’s important not to assume.

You can start privately with resources such as my Self-Diagnosing Vaginismus guide , which walks you through signs, grading levels, and self-checks in a safe way. This is often an empowering first step because it helps you put words to your experience without judgment.

If you feel ready, you might also book an appointment with a pelvic floor specialist, gynaecologist, or other trusted healthcare professional. They can help rule out physical causes and confirm the diagnosis. Sometimes, just having a professional listen and validate your experience can be life-changing.

Step 2: Learn What Vaginismus Really Is

Many women think vaginismus is simply “tight muscles” or a physical problem. In truth, the muscle tension is only the tip of the iceberg.

Vaginismus is best understood as a fear response cycle. Your brain perceives penetration as a threat, which triggers your body to contract the pelvic floor muscles automatically. This is not something you are choosing — it’s an automatic protective reflex.

Understanding this mechanism is crucial. Once you realize your body isn’t betraying you but rather protecting you, you can begin working with it rather than against it.
Read my book and start from there!  This is a complete self-help guide! Some women have completely overcome vaginismus with just the help of this book.

Step 3: Begin With Gentle Desensitisation

Once you’ve understood the cycle, the next step is to slowly and gently teach your body that penetration is safe. This is called desensitisation, and it’s the foundation of vaginismus treatment.

Desensitisation can include:

• Learning to touch and explore your own anatomy without fear

• Practicing relaxation and breathing techniques

• Gradual dilator training in a step-by-step way

• Building comfort with medical tools, tampons, or intimacy in stages

This process doesn’t happen overnight — but small, consistent steps add up. Many women are surprised at how much progress they can make when they have a clear structure and compassionate support.

Step 4: Understand Your Triggers

Every woman with vaginismus has specific triggers — thoughts, situations, or fears that set off the cycle. For some, it’s the fear of pain. For others, it’s worries about their partner’s reaction, memories of past experiences, or simply the unknown.

Part of your journey is to gently notice these triggers and separate fear from reality. Once you see them clearly, they lose much of their power.

Step 5: Seek Support — You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Overcoming vaginismus can feel like a lonely road, but it doesn’t have to be. Having an accountability partner — whether a trusted friend, your partner, or a supportive group — can make a world of difference.

If you prefer privacy, online resources like my free first module of The Vaginismus Coaching Course can help you take those first steps at home. Inside, you’ll find explanations, diagrams, and exercises designed to guide you gently forward.

Remember: You do not have to face this alone. Support and structure can help you move past stuckness and into steady progress.

Your Journey Starts Here

So, if you’ve just discovered that what you’re experiencing has a name, take a deep breath. You’ve already taken the most important step: acknowledging it.

From here, your next steps are simple:

1. Confirm whether it’s vaginismus.

2. Learn how the fear cycle works.

3. Begin desensitisation gently.

4. Understand and manage your triggers.

5. Seek support and guidance along the way.

Every journey begins with a single step. Whether you start by reading a book, watching a free course module, or simply having a conversation with a healthcare provider — you are moving forward. And that is what matters most!

You are not alone. And you absolutely can take back control of your body, step by step.

✅ Next Step: Download my Self-Diagnosing Vaginismus guide or watch the free first module of my online coaching program to begin your journey with clarity and confidence.