Why Is Sex Important? Can’t a Relationship Be Just Platonic?

When living with vaginismus, many women ask themselves a difficult question: “Why is sex even important? Why can’t it be normal to have a platonic relationship?”

It’s a brave and honest question. If sex feels painful, frightening, or impossible, it can be tempting to push it aside and decide: We’ll just focus on friendship, closeness, and other ways of loving.

As a gynecologist, psychotherapist, and sexologist with over 30 years of experience, I’ve heard this question countless times — and I want to gently unpack it with you.

First: Your Feelings Are Completely Valid

Let’s start here: intimacy is personal. You and your partner get to decide what works for you. There is no single “rule” for how a relationship should look.

Some couples genuinely thrive with platonic companionship. They share tenderness, humor, loyalty, and joy without needing penetrative intimacy. For those couples, that can feel like enough.

But for many, sex represents something more than physical activity — and that’s where this question becomes important.

Why Sex Matters for Many People

1. Bonding and closeness

During sexual intimacy, the body releases oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) and endorphins (our natural feel-good chemicals). These create a sense of closeness, calm, and trust.

Couples often describe it as “feeling connected again” after intimacy. This isn’t just psychological — it’s biological.

2. A language of love

For many people, sex is one of their “love languages.” Just as some people show love through words, gifts, or quality time, others express it through physical closeness. Without it, they may feel something is missing — even if they can’t fully explain why.

3. Identity and self-esteem

Sexuality is part of human identity. When vaginismus blocks intimacy, women often describe feeling “different,” “broken,” or “half a woman.”
This isn’t true, but it reflects the cultural and personal importance we attach to intimacy. Working through vaginismus isn’t about becoming “normal,” it’s about reclaiming your right to live free of fear and shame.

4. Fertility and family planning

For couples who want children, penetrative sex still plays an important role. Vaginismus can feel devastating in this context — not just because of intimacy, but because of the pressure around fertility.

What If You Truly Don’t Want Sex?

Here’s the key: that’s okay too.
Not everyone desires penetrative sex. Some women are asexual. Some couples choose companionship without intimacy.

The important thing is clarity:

• If both partners feel equally content without sex, then there’s no problem.

• But if one partner longs for intimacy while the other avoids it out of fear, shame, or pain — that imbalance can create deep wounds in the relationship.

Vaginismus and the “Why Bother?” Question

If you live with vaginismus, it’s natural to think: If sex hurts, why should I even try?

Here’s my answer: overcoming vaginismus is not about forcing sex. It’s about giving yourself freedom. Freedom to choose whether you want penetrative intimacy — without fear or pain making the decision for you.

When you treat vaginismus, you don’t just “gain sex.” You gain confidence, options, and a sense of control over your body. And that, in itself, can be life-changing.

Finding Your Path

So, is sex important? For many people, yes. For everyone, not necessarily. What matters most is:

• Are you and your partner aligned in what you want?

• Is vaginismus taking away your freedom of choice?

• Do you feel empowered in your body and in your intimacy?

If the answer is no, know that help exists. You are not alone, and vaginismus is not a life sentence.

Gentle Next Step

If you’d like to explore this topic more deeply, I’ve written about vaginismus as a fear response — and how you can gradually re-train your body to let go of that reflex. You can find free resources, books, and coaching support at The Vaginismus Zone .

Remember: whether you choose to pursue sex, or focus on other forms of love, you are already whole and worthy.